I NEVER MEANT IT

While you tuned into some hard-hitting,high-volumed,highly pitched classical rock music version accessing your headphone obviously,just then the whole neighboring world seem to be switching in.. to muted version. The ultimate passion and craziness just crippled some of your nervous system’s action making you partially deaf and just eased off some of your reflexes and too much loud…you just keep on humming the song so confidently no matter how pathetic you could sound as you don’t have to bother the pain of listening that crap but poor innocent people around you have to bear it …same thing happens to us when we are too much overloaded with just one emotion at a time if you name it take your temper for example and at that juncture of time every other senses seem to be paralyzed. But trust me the aftereffect is huge. You are so annoyed at someone, you love that person ,care for that person too much and that’s why you have full right to exercise all your demand from that someone, you ignore them hurt them and you are hurting yourself too.You are not talking to them and you are silent to yourself too. But what important lesson which we automatically forget is that this precious moments passing by would never come back, and its too easy to lose and so hard to recover ..It was after my class tenth board exams the long vacation following and more then enough leisure time and joggling in those random thoughts of guiding your dreams through right track and just spending all the quality of time with my best friend shilpi, a rock star, a prankster and my punching bag…as I address her she is my “heroine” what will I do without you, when I don’t know which dress to pick, when I don’t how to manage my schedule, when I am not able to concentrate on one single topic, last night before exam almost avoiding a nervous breakdown, there she is my angel just one phone call away, and not to mention I still wonder how she handles my fluctuating fuming temper and my changing moods to add. Extreme patience and understanding makes her so special. One bright sunny morning I wake up feeling little bore, this holidays ah! Giving so much less options to move my lazy ………I still somehow manage to reach the phone called shilpi up ,as we were picking up and me surfing through the morning newspaper …I caught a new movie at the block …I quickly retaliate shilpi its’ it today’s plan noon show movie running at the nearest theatre my this months pocket money is just waiting to get detached from me ..you just come to my house with your “dhanno” that’s our royal ride shilpi’s scooty .Shilpi unfortunately couldn’t agree as well “no,nah not mood that’s a lofty movie I hate that hero and the story is so typical not my type”.But people should learn from me of being stubborn to every height.You are coming else I won’t listen to you ,never ever…won’t even talk to you,you always say how our friendship is apart from any moods and individualism. Last weekend I went with you to your boring cousin’s house just for your sake so that you won’t feel pissed off….its your job now to make up my mood..shilpi has her excuses ready “you know nah I have caught so much of bad cold I am thinking to visit our family doctor today,the movie next week for sure” I was too tough to get convinced .come on shilpi you can visit him tomorrow ,you are not having any fatal disease you can even visit him while coming back from the theatre ,no more arguments 11 am sharp you with dhanno should be meeting me in front of the theatre ,don’t worry the treat is on me you would my special beloved guest shilpi “no no,no,listen dear not today” me “no if not today not anyday ,if you not make it today mark my words I would never talk to you again,wouldn’t you come just for me?”shilpi again just listen “don’t know why some intuitions are coming in want to stay at home today with mom not feeling good “ I am getting little hot headed don’t come with so dumb excuses you are coming that’s it will meet you at the venue and just hung up the phone . I got up and by 11am was all dressed up and ready inbetween didn’t bother to notice my cellphone .then while I should be leaving took the phone up saw 6 missed calls needless to say those were from shilpi’s landline to avoid any more confusion that would destruct my determination instead of calling her up and again giving scope for any argument ,I SMSed her “I am on my way, I would get there and buy the tickets for avoiding the last minute rush ,make it on time my dearest shilpi” I reached the place almost 15 minutes before the stipulated time . I bought two balcony tickets ..investigated all the nearby stalls sneak-peaking through the latest magazines …people in couples or families making it to the theatre no such crowd to mob the matinee show and me roaming aimlessly so disgusting to wait for somebody ,just 10 minutes left for the show to start where are you shilpi? Murmuring to myself you won’t come? how rude? Your wish is all so much important to you ,I have my self esteem too I won’t call you again, I would prefer to watch the movie alone before the interval befitted on one seat and post break on the other chair.,no more time left entered the theatre in a pretty bad mood little disheartened very much angry how you could ditch me this way? I could hardly watch the movie different sort of thoughts crowding my mind “got example of true friendship ,nobody cares in this rude world!” then in the interval my mobile started vibrating I took the phone out it was shilpi I just wished to smack my mobile up I couldn’t watch the movie too anymore just followed the exit way and I am standing outside the theatre . I smsed her “ got true taste of your friendship ,I have lost all the temperament to talk to you bye!” that was all my anger speaking, but deep down I knew after two three days my temper would come down but still…is her mood which is all so important to her?? As when you are clubbed with temper it’s the “YOU” which you only hear without offering any consideration to the other’s side. Complaining ,feeling irritated ,all buzzed up I reached home ,the evening , the night followed with not even a single call from shilpi ,that even raise my temper more “she is not at all bothered whether I call her or not ,since so many years of our friendship things certainly have changed, I have been running all my imaginations wild assuming all sort of reasons and pretending to be so angry at her still somewhere very much concerned and worried!!” Next day it was 4’o clock in the morning our landline was ringing so loud I heard it but my lousy sleep resisted me from receiving it, but suddenly I could here no more noise, then the next thing I could here was my door being knocked so hastily, I somehow dragged myself and opened the door ,I saw my mother ,she sounded so serious ,calm and numb asked me “quick come and take the phone, its shilpi’s mother” I said her mother,why? Mom just interrupted ”there is no time for discussion ,you take the phone,& I am getting ready” what? Then I hesitatingly held my ear by the receiver, I heard aunty weeping so loud ,she could hardly utter anything ,some words which I collected and struggle to make out a complete sentence were no more no more…….shilpi wanted to talk to you for one last time…even in the last moment she took your name, she was sorry, she wanted to meet you but her meeting with the almighty was already predestined and she just couldn’t speak anymore her throat got choked and the call ended.. My whole world got struck for the time being all my thoughts were muzzled up, all I could see was shilpi’s smiling so jolly face and her dazzling smile in front of me ,I couldn’t move my mom somehow drag me to her home just at two blocks distance, as by then her body which would never possibly again be rejuvenated back to life will reach her home from the hospital . I couldn’t even dare to think how all this happened ,I made it there ,I could see many people and shilpi lying there so calmly, her face totally distorted by one angle, still she had the guts to smile, thankfully the cloth around her couldn’t expose those multiple scratches and wounds around her body, she despite her mood went for the movie ,but on the way she had to meet with something so dreadful ,a rash driven car hit her dhanno from back and she just skid onto a local bus’s back wheel and the bus just went over her …I can’t even imagine the theatre was only one crossing away from her home but sometimes without the will of the god you can’t even take one extra step. It was all because of me I forced her to get out of her house against her will ,her intuition was right ,all because of my hassle ,even in her that terrible condition she wanted to talk to me she called me ,she was sorry for not making to the movie, even then to her our friendship was more important than her pain, oh my holy heaven! I wish I could have heard her for the last time ,its all my fault, I should have listened to her ,I was so blindfolded with my anger, my priorities ,and my everything and lost the ultimate moment of our togetherness and left with only repentance and regrets ,for one whole month I couldn’t talk to anybody but we all have to move on and live with only the memories of lost ones ,but what I have lost is lost forever ,a true friend like her ,every bonding and feeling we share and still left with the prejudice that I am so important when it comes to being me and meeting my priorities first ??God though always listen to me that day when I came out of the theatre I wanted not to talk to shilpi for never ever…and that mighty person took it pretty seriously ,so even if out of anger or even if we sincerely mean something we should be careful what we ask for ,what we speak coz it might just turn true……….

I MISS U BUDDY

Another year of momentous celebration of the fact ,that you were born ,&you hardly was able to add any glorification to the fact .Though every year when “THE” special day comes the excitement is just the same ,and increasing efforts being put in to make it most memorable .Though your priorities, wishes ,your list of fulfillments keeps on changing…. On my 21^st birthday how much have I changed since my 6^th birthday from the state of being so innocent and with a simple urge to know this unknown world to this state where this so very known world behaves so strangely all the time and maybe the things which I used to firmly believe in as a kid have certainly changed because you no longer can trust anyone??? This birthday brings little of joy but more of making you realize the fact that henceforth you should act with more maturity and needless to say you should be responsible make your every move right. But on my 6^th birthday my whole concentration was shifted into blowing off those six large candles at the heart of that large delicious chocolate cake which resembled a cute pretty girl’s face though I was looking prettiest that evening in my new pink frill frock .Though there was one serious thought troubling me that who will gift me with the most attractive present?? Though that year my birthday celebration was not as much enjoyable as I was missing all my old friends so badly .It was only one month ever since we shifted to our new house to this new place & new school.& not so many new friends too. The place was new , different and the kids of the new school more strange couldn’t have welcomed me to their world that easily! But I do remember my newly found best friend “Jojo” coming to my birthday and making me feel so special .He gifted me with a cute puppy in a beautifully decorated basket. Though my mom wouldn’t allow me to keep “mojo” that was what jojo called him fondly . I still wonder why mom would not let me keep that harmless toothless carnivore. So jojo took back mojo with him, but we three always managed to play together .jojo was always so amazingly nice to me .In the new school when nobody would come and talk to me jojo would spent all his exclusive time with me.We would have lunch together ,cradling was so fun with him,he used to swing me so high, push me so hard ,as if I can touch the sky and the sun so near, and on see saw he would always lift me up as he was so strong, though he used to run so fast I can never catch him. Even after school he would visit my place and help me with my homework .The classes used to be so boring seems like Mrs Roy’s loud highly pitched voice stroke every corner of the room as fast as it entered and make exit through my ear. But jojo was too sincere , he used to listen madam’s each and every word so patiently & later would make me understand her each word. But what attracted me most was when Mrs roy would let us do whatever we want giving the day off but obviously silence shouldn’t be disturbed. One day Mrs Roy gave us an interesting task ,she asked us to draw anything we like ,to apply little effort to make it colorful and attractive and at the end it should make sense also , as when everyone will finally be done with his or her painting then one by one we have to explain what actually inspired us and class no discussion and the best person would be rewarded. That last word provided us with extra enthu. I was confused about what to make but jojo wouldn’t suggest anything extra obedient as he always is. Then I came up with the idea why not make a painting with me and jojo in it. I draw myself with my famous ponytail in my school uniform carrying my favorite red bag ,and beside me jojo was standing in his same old white shirt and blue pant ,he was always excused for never actually wearing the school uniform. I highlighted his big round specs which almost covered his tiny little nose, and his middle parted oil-soaked greasy hairdo, and how could I ever forget mojo whom he everyday bring along with him to the school in his big bag..but ssh ssh that is supposed to be a big secret . I finally completed the drawing and I named it “my buddy” was so excited quickly invited Mrs Roy to my bench ,she asked me then to disclose the great thought behind my creation in front of everyone on the central deck. I was little nervous but only person whom I could face was jojo and he gave me all the strength . I started “friends meet my bestest buddy jojo and here is mojo”Mrs Roy quickly interrupted Is jojo your last school’s friend ? I replied “no ma’am its jojo you forgot there he is ,can’t you see him??” But I failed to make believe ma’am or the whole class how jojo existed but everybody just ended up making my fun and a big applause to follow overestimating my dumbness. Next day my parent’s were called to convince them as how their daughter couldn’t differentiate between her imaginary world and the real rude world. Jojo was there so loud saying a big “HI” to everyone but none could listen…..but I could see him connect to him ,to whom my every question had logic ,who has the patience to listen to all my mindless prattle and how well he understood me. But to my despair I lost jojo with time . I didn’t fell his need too anymore .Though I still wonder how jojo would look like now and whether anyone so well could ever understand me??

THE UNIDENTIFIED

The office-rush hour,and thus traffic jam following every single crossing providing the bus engine with enough rest &making every passenger literally immobilized &just stuck& also the bus’s congestness could have been easily guessed out..even air have to ask for passage.but lucky me managed a window seat &was the only consolation past this 1&1/2 hrs of journey of which 45 minutes it was hard to convince the bus to move .Though modern day technology inspite of making us addicted to it provide us with great entertainment .my phone memory came pretty handy making me tune to all my favourites and thanx to my civic sense I preferred only to exercise my ear drum listening to those through headset and not giving any extra reasons to my co-passengers to feel disgusted . I nodded well to some fast beats though basically they are not my type but the day I needed little boost & energy to combat such adverse condition …anyways suddenly the song stopped midway as I was going to inspect I could well hear my ringtone . I was going to check who called and to my utmost surprise no number flashed on the screen only the incoming call alert thing was being displayed,strange I crosschecked ..though sometimes ISD numbers cannot be identified or call centre numbers purposely made confidential or may be civil or intelligence related numbers ..but absolutely no digit or character was being showed on my screen?? But without further introspection I answerd the phone..before saying hello I waited few seconds..and the caller side was more than excited to start .It was an unknown voice little broken n thin maybe indicating seniority much age .he started “this traffic won’t move today!the weather must also be driving you crazy…impatient and passively enduring as you are !Why don’t you get down here its only a few miles walk from here”I just turned my head in every possible direction seethroughing every corner of the bus ,my silent ,shocked eyes trying hard to trace him out yet hesitating.then before I could utter few words he cleared his voice and said”but be careful dear you are still young and the world meaner !!”and just cut the call.As if he had known me for years. I just then got up from my seat before I could realize anything I was walking by the footpath speechless,thoughtless..taking every cautious step&turning around ..then I started all my assumptions must be a prank tried by any of my kind friend or may be just my imagination running wild as for minutes I closed my eyes and had a little snooze ,might just be a hallucination . I was in total hysteria I took a rickshaw to reach back home .but the careless rikshawbhaiya maybe was new to this route lost track and we landed up in some unknown quiet lane that too a pretty deserted one I saw an old man walking the laneside I asked bhaiya to enquire with him .he stopped as he was desperately called ,he was more than happy to help as he was giving the directions he constantly gazed at me and that resembling unnecessary comforting smile of his..and his voice ..wait that voice ya exactly the phone one sounded alike!oh my holy heaven…I just shouted bhaiya ok ok lets go enough we will our self find our way…as the rickshaw was moving and its distance with the oldman increasing my heart beats were slowly descending ,the man wouldn’t stop looking at us .he waved a long goodbye I was so afraid still can’t remove my eyes off him.but though his directions were right I successfully make back home . I gave the bhaiya money didn’t even ask for change I just rush home .this place never felt such sweeter any other day . I just kept on ringing the callingbell and thrashing the door hard.and as the heavendoor got open I just ran straight into my room . I was emotionally paralyzed reactionless almost cold .The next thing I knew was my alarm ringing the next morning .last night I slept as if it was my last sleep ,almost senseless partially hypnotized.but the whole day I kept on thinking little humiliated to disclose to everyone .everybody would have come up with their unique suggestion must be your imagination,watching too much tv ,ghost series ha!over stress nah!somebody poke fun at your cost,let us contact a ghost whisperer ssh….ssh…enough better I kept it more private to myself only ,days,months years passed .though answering phone or traveling alone continued to be quite a phobia for few days…but with time even that person’s appearance got faded.though the whole incident covered few bytes of my main memory neither accessible by good memoirs section nor bad tragedies but just pure shock with a big questionmark??with a format which my system is unable to support no knowledge ..totally unidentified !!!!

What was it…not again…I just woke up dragged my mobile alongside my pillow ..it is 4 ‘o clock in the morning …only one hour past while I was successful in achieving some sleep…which was again interrupted with that same sight…the same confusion .why does the same dream keeps bothering me specially for past few days.. as if my subconscious mind is not under peace something is troubling me, some doubts ,some anxieties ,some questions unanswered or is it nothing maybe just my pessimism ..when everything is going alright still so concerned to invite all the self-made troubles ..but maybe also my sixth sense giving intuition this calmness is not ordinary but silence before storm…everything was so dark.. I could hazily see me and so many mixed voices hardly making out what everyone is pointing towards…me murmuring please help me something is holding me back I can’t move something is pressurizing me I need to breathe free .. I want to make all things right…I want to move ahead…I want all good in my life ..and what was that place .. it felt that place had a striking resemblance but though I have never been there ..
I saw everyone close to me very near ones who are supposed to be my dearest…they are just getting detached from me and ultimately me falling free….it was so misleading. .terrible dilemma it put me in…..but what I could only interpret is that maybe I seriously need time …time to discover myself… . I seriously need time to learn what actually do I want. I am not being able to decide or maybe what I am craving for so badly is just not being able to achieve that….ultimately we all are just driven by destiny but sometimes its so hard on us to accept its’ verdict and see the ultimate fate..

DROPS OF ASSURANCE

Dark gloomy sky,
With the sun hiding behind the cluster of huge clouds roaring high;
The speedy winds blowing by;
The breezy attire ,making your free spirit to sway by;
For once asking your innerself to express it out;
To hold your partner’s hand firmly,
And your quivering eyes just asking the question to never to leave thy,
And just then when the first drop of assurance quenched your soul;
And feeling the affection of the drop of thunder;
Splish splash, playing with the rain as we walk together,
Even with the voluminous sound of the torrential rain,
Just feeling each other ,with the intervening stillness;
Might be not so treasurable sight to enjoy,or situation to be in;
But still a cheerful inside,inspired by someone;
Enough to take on every adverse condition,
When everybody is just looking for a shade,
A fearless frog just hopping around;
Feeling the rain drops and treasuring the grasses with an ever-green attire,
Cruising by the muddy water;
Also then the nature at it’s own greenish glory;
Appears so beautiful;
Also when someone ,so near &dear promises to;Enjoy every single refreshing spell of desire together

you within me

………
The sun was at its way home,
Setting the dusk with its ever gleaming
Dazzle;
The rhythmic chirrupings of all the birds
Could well hear for their homecoming pleasure…
Even the free flowing breeze was tuning in………
But what I could only feel was just your deep sigh
Leading to every rigorous breath I took in;
Your every kiss along my neck and going down
Defying the weather’s moisture making me
so warm n tucked in along ..
with you within you ,we were no longer separate
your every touch ,was filling in for those untold
desire,
as you took up my face I couldn’t open my eyes,
shyness was intruding ,as of sure;
but was an unknown fear,this beautiful dream to
get over;
you overcame every destruction coming in
between;
my naughty playful locks were soon taken,
and being made hidden by my ears ..but still
seeking;
as you were reaching more towards me,
I couldn’t stop trembling;
As your lips tendered mine,
My body and my soul seem to resent willfully;
As if my forever thirsty soul was at once
Quenched so utterly..
So as so that even
The nature was so pictographically held in unison;
Never again did I saw the sun so RED,
The trees so young and green,,,
And all those birds going so frolicking around,
Are you always so beautiful mother nature??
Or only the happiest memoir of mine led me to
Observed you better,
To come so closer…….
Or its just a beautiful vision fragmented on
A piece of wineglass????

AMUSING...isn't it

LIFE as amusing as a pandora’s box,
An attractive shining box full of surprises
From outside,
Just waiting to get discovered,
And just then in the process of exploring;
Being met by the biggest shock;
An uncommon stroke of terror…
But with passing moments;
That sudden storm of emotions
Just compelling us to laugh on our instantaneous
Reactions…
A deep sigh followed by a detailed pause;
Just laughing our anxieties out…………..

I WILL ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU

The signal has been given green ,the departing whistle was also well-heard .The train would leave any minute and Ma’s eyes almost moist filled with all those emotions & pain of separation..the train started to leave slowly & so did those drops of pure love marched anxiously from her eyes..to Ma I am still that little girl who wouldn’t allow to divert her attention from her demanding daughter even for a moment ,who every morning at the gate of her kindergarten wouldn’t unhold her aanchal ,and try every measure to not to leave her alone ,by making faces ,weeping loud “Ma please don’t let me go alone”…but now that little girl too need her space…the same girl who was just so jealous of her newly born brother as he was getting all the attention of her darling mother that once innocently she commented Ma “promise me you wouldn’t chose anybody over me”but today her little girl needsprivacy…Ma don’t interfare I can take my decisions alone though deep inside she still fears her ma…she is the most strict & most adorable mom in the whole world..but maybe time has changed now she can move on alone …Ma once innocently questioned girl don’t you get scared while you are traveling alone …and her big grown up girl just laugh her way out …Ma ..come on I am a big grown up girl ….really her grown up girl now might just don’t feel insecure without her in this big scary unknown world …she has now learn to take her steps on her own..and don’t need her mom to second her decisions..but ma do you know the actual thing ma what I m doing is just following your footsteps I still fear the same to walk alone to get enstranged with crossroads of failure in the long run…but how long I would keep bothering you but one thing is for sure..this very confused yet somewhere resolved girl of yours would never let you down…and will never go such far where she could never come back to you…my dearest Ma………